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Naperville Central High School's award-winning newspaper.

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Naperville Central High School's award-winning newspaper.

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Column: Gypsy Rose for next U.S. president

If you paid any attention to the Jan. 15 Iowa caucuses you know that former President Donald Trump won in an absolute landslide. In fact, he was so far ahead that at his victory rally he made jabs at his GOP rivals Ron DeSantis and Nikki Haley, sarcastically congratulating them for “having a good time together” while he did not participate in any debates leading up to voting.

It is apparent to pretty much everybody that Trump is going to absolutely dominate the GOP primaries, unless there is a major shake up. And, no I don’t mean some insane plan for Haley to make it to Super Tuesday in order for her to win the candidacy. I mean an entirely new candidate. Who am I suggesting?

Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

The first of many questions you might be asking is, “Is she even Republican?” Well, I don’t know. But she definitely supports the death penalty (I mean she basically enforced it), so she’s basically a Republican, right?

With Gypsy in the running, we would double the current number convicts vying for POTUS.

But why Gypsy?

Former GOP candidate Vivek Ramaswamy pretty much ran on the idea that the GOP needs someone young and not another fossil. The whole idea is that the GOP needs to modernize, so what better way than to do that than with the most popular murder-accomplice in America right now.

I can already hear people nagging at me “Gypsy Rose isn’t even 35. The Constitution…blah, blah, blah.” Well, the Constitution says a lot of things that seem to have gotten ignored in the past few years. Her mom lied about her age and told her she was 14 when she was 19, so is Gypsy really a person whose age matters?   

Since we’ve established Gypsy Rose will be running for POTUS as a Republican, she needs something to run on. Trump had “Make America Great Again.” We need something as notorious and iconic. Luckily I’ve thought of something Republican voters can’t resist: “Make America Abled Again.”

What better issue to campaign on than a war on disabled people from a person with Munchausen syndrome by proxy? I can already see Gypsy at her own rally, cowgirl boots on, a “Make America Abled Again” hat on screaming “I got up and walked, why the hell can’t they!” No Republican can resist ableism resulting in a heard of right wingers voting Gypsy.

The biggest concern I have for her campaign (and you probably have been thinking this since I first said her name) is that her mom and dad got divorced. When you’re running as a GOP candidate this is not a good look. That murder accomplice thing? Whatever. But growing up in a nuclear family is going to hurt her in the polls.

Nonetheless, I still have high hopes that if Gypsy ran she could win. Even if she doesn’t run, all we have to do is remember on Nov. 5 to write in Gypsy Rose Blanchard!

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About the Contributor
Javen Oswald
Javen Oswald, Marketing, Outreach and Engagement Managing Editor
Javen Oswald is a senior at NCHS. This is his third year on staff, and he has moved into a manager position. Early in life, Javen found success as a child actor, gaining recognition for his role as Young Jordan Denton in Chicago Fire S2 E12, entitled “Disco Bob.” Now, he has shifted his focus to producing high-quality journalistic opinions. Next year, he plans on going to college to study film.
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