Naperville Central: emergency room


Art by Ashley Whelchel

Ashley Whelchel and Nathan Yuan

Welcome to the Naperville Central emergency room, where a single B will cause hyperventilation, ceaseless projectile vomiting and possibly death. Here, grades are taken seriously. Very seriously. Because everyone knows grades are all that matter in life.

Let’s be clear, if you get a B, everyone around you—the people who have perpetuated a culture of caring only that their transcript full of sterile A’s—will smell you out as a dirty, flawed human. (Oh, the HORROR!).

Your life as you know it will cease to exist. Friends will disappear. Family? Gone with the wind. You will not be allowed to have dinner tonight. You wanted spaghetti? Say hasta la vista, pasta!

A single B will send you to the depths of hell where you will face the sisyphean task of atoning for your imperfection and resisting the urge to ask your teacher “is this formative or summative?” It’s a difficult life…so don’t get a B. That would be sick!