Plant Reviews

Braden Hajer, Copy Editor & Columnist

In such a bustling, industrialized society, we often lose connection to our roots and forget about what really matters: connecting to nature. But fear not, fellow commercialists, for I have performed a grand survey of all that Mother Nature has to offer and have assembled a ranking of all of the plants. Feel free to come back to this list at any time and look at the good plants. However, I urge you to not dedicate yourself to the objectively terrible plants. That would be unproductive, and these days, productivity in isolation is our highest priority.

Photo source:
Score: 5/10

This plant is positively mediocre. While the natural basket is a delightful aesthetic, the skeletal stem combined with the asymmetrical and seemingly-randomly organized leaf structure creates an unappealing but almost charming presentation.




Photo source:
Score: 0/10

This plant is gross and nasty. It is growing out of a toilet. How grody is that?! I cannot even fully judge the plant itself, as it is growing in nasty, nasty toilet water. Also, it’s way too pointy. Get out of my sight, stupid plant.




Photo source: HGTV
Score: 8/10

Is your tummy rumbling? I know mine is. The flowers look like pepperoni, a common food that many humans eat. The corn sprouting out of the pepperoni does leave a bad taste in my mouth, but the leaves are so flawless in shape and moisture that the corn can easily be ignored. All in all? I love this plant, and I’d love to devour it even more.



Photo source: WIRED
Score: 9/10

This plant looks like it’d fit right in dinosaur times. That’s pretty neat! The leaves are bulky and juicy, but with just enough holes to provide contrast and mystery. I’d love to wrap myself in these thick, thick leaves, but I don’t want to get munched by a triceratops, haha!



Photo source:
Score: 3/10

This plant is weak. The plastic pot is lazy and sloppy, and somehow it’s still cleaner than the leaves. What is even going on there? The structure is pure, unbridled chaos. There aren’t even any flowers to save it. At least this plant didn’t get the Toilet Treatment.




Photo source: Brittanica
Score: 6.5/10

I want to like this plant. I really do. However, the colors are so muted and the shape so symmetrical and formulaic, it looks like an elementary schooler made it out of felt for art class. It followed the plant rubric to such a T that it lacks spice. However, I cannot knock it too hard: it is undeniably well put together. If it were human, I could see it in a suit.



Photo source: Home Depot
Score: 10/10

This plant is phenomenal. The flowers are highly detailed and multi-colored without being too intense or convoluted. The stems are long and regal, but the small bumps add flavor and personality to what could otherwise be a weak third of the overall vignette. The leaves are perfectly shaped and simple, providing a gorgeous backdrop to the main event up top. Overall, I cannot imagine a better plant in my head, and by golly am I trying!



Photo source: Wikipedia
Score: 7/10

This plant must be pretty shy because its leaves are guarding the stem. It isn’t doing a great job, though: I can definitely see it in there. You can’t outsmart me, you silly plant! Anyways, I respect this plant immensely for raising a child, given its hectic work cycle and lack of guaranteed paid family leave due to our ruthless, cruel capitalistic system that prioritizes profits over the fulfillment and happiness of its workers. The round leaves even look a little like lily pads! What a fun, unique plant!



At a time when we’re all being asked to stay indoors as much as possible, I hope this injection of nature directly into your mind space will never “leaf” you. What was your favorite plant? Make sure to notify me on the Twitter (@bhajerCT) or leave a comment below!