Guys you’ve got to cool it with the ice

Braden Hajer, Copy Editor & Columnist

Hang on for a minute...we're trying to find some more stories you might like.


Email This Story






Humanity has this bizarre obsession with frozen drink cubes. No liquid is satisfactory until it has been thoroughly saturated with The Cubes, regardless of its original temperature. 

I hate these illusioned heralds of frosty pleasure.

You, the American people, are being deceived; Big Ice has brainwashed all of us. If we do not take action soon, the effects may very well be cataclysmic. 

Big Ice is serpentine. They have managed to get their frozen phalanges into just about every existing industry. You order a drink at a restaurant, you get ice. You want to store drinks? You better fill this cooler with ice. Their industry plant Vanilla Ice may not have been the ice-shattering superstar they had hoped, but their efforts speak volumes. The only remaining bulwark against Big Ice’s coldness monopoly is Big Fridge, but that’s a demon for another day. 

I recently went to Wendy’s and ordered a natural lemonade with no ice. What I expected was a refreshing sensual pilgrimage, but my beverage arrived devoid of pomp and circumstance: the lemonade was lukewarm, not fridge-cold. I had been slighted. I furiously composed my soliloquy in their Twitter DMs. An excerpt can be seen below, but the full transcript will be on the Central Times website (You may notice my appeals in this case were uniquely environmental — I had hoped Wendy’s had a conscience).

“No one in this universe is going to willingly consume an icy beverage without a proboscis to drill to the molten core with. The environmental drawbacks are self-explanatory and obvious. It’s a simple equation: no ice, no forced straws. If a customer wishes a straw upon them, so be it, but the standardization of drink fracking is self-evidently unjust.”

I offered them the opportunity to fight the power. Wendy could have been the corporate martyr this planet needs, taking a stand against the most powerful lobby on Earth to better society at large. Instead, she revealed herself to be a coward. I have not received a response.

The fact of the matter is that Big Ice has inserted itself into our culture. No matter how far you flee, The Cubes will be waiting to cool your drink when you get there. Through its meddling, we have come to embrace it as the crux of temperature regulation, and we are paying the price for it.

Big Ice’s tactics to reach this corporate peak have been purely of economic seduction. The deal they have offered to the restaurant industry is irresistible: all the restaurants have to do is fill their drinks to the brink with ice, allowing them to charge the same price for less liquid. Big Ice played the long game, providing a seemingly irreplaceable service to the American people while allowing the restaurants to keep a few extra coins in their coffers.

The radiant brilliance of Big Ice is that they have accomplished all of this in spite of objectively superior alternatives. We have had refrigeration technology for centuries. One would think that the ability to chill titanic amounts of liquid simultaneously would be enough to banish ice to the shadow realm, yet Big Ice has even invaded this field. Their espionage has landed them dispensers on the faces of countless refrigerators nationwide.

We are all pawns in Big Ice’s game. We are mannequins in the windows of its ice store. We are puppets in its omnipresent demonstration of dominance.

However, it doesn’t have to be this way. My fellow Americans, we must melt our chains of oppression with our fiery passion. I urge you to boycott ice-cubism at every turn. We must abolish ice before it is too late.

To Big Ice itself, I must warn you: the fury of the American people is on its way to your fortress of monopolistic solitude. We shall defend our liberties, whatever the cost may be. We shall fight on the beaches. We shall fight in the fields and in the streets. We shall fight in our kitchens and in their Twitter DMs.

We shall never surrender.

 

 

Letter to Wendy’s

My dearest Wendy:

You currently stand at what could very well be the turning point in the history of drink consumption. For decades, the masses have been led to believe that ice is the only feasible way to chill a drink to its optimal temperature for maximum pleasure. “Ice cold” has become synonymous with “perfect.” 

Even your own employees have fallen prey to this heartbreaking, cataclysmic misconception. When I ordered one of your natural lemonades with no ice, what I was served can only be described as lukewarm. Barring this country’s masochists, no sane individual is interested in a warm lemonade.

The entire industry is living out this profitable lie: Burger King, McDonald’s, Raising Canes… Name any chain you want; the methodology of their temperature moderation is exclusively that of a frozen nature.

The longer we live this cold-hearted lie for, the worse off society is doomed to become. For you see, ice has a devious step-brother that tags along at every public outing; straws. No one in this universe is going to willingly consume an icy beverage without a proboscis to drill to the molten core with. 

The environmental drawbacks are self-explanatory and obvious. It’s a simple equation; no ice, no forced straws. If a customer wishes a straw upon them, so be it, but the standardization of drink fracking is self-evidently unjust.

Today, Wendy, you could change everything. All you must do is utilize the technology every single one of your employees has at their humble abodes; a refrigerator. It accomplishes everything ice does (in a more efficient manner, mind you) without actively endangering the future of this planet. 

You could be a hero, Wendy. All you must do is take the leap forward.

Sincerely, 

Braden Hajer

Print Friendly, PDF & Email