Column: A modest COVID recovery plan for NCHS

Braden Hajer, Copy Editor & Columnist

Let’s get down to business, my fellow Centrallites. The COVID-19 pandemic has devastated many countries around the globe, and NCHS is no exception. National morale is at an all-time low, and emigration rates into the building have been pitiful since early 2020. As the rest of the world begins to dig itself out of the pandemic, we are only sinking deeper. But fear not, for all hope is not lost. My think tank and I have been working hard for a day, and we are finally prepared to unveil our magnum opus: the Naperville Central High School COVID Recovery Program (NCHSCRP). It has five simple tenets, and I come to you today to unveil them.

1. Make NCHS a tax haven

Students have been leaving NCHS at an astounding rate. In fact, in mid-March of last year, the building lost every single student in a day. This has crippled the Central economy. Vending machine revenue has plummeted, and every time I shake down John in the cafeteria for his lunch money, he has less and less. The only way to jump-start the economy is a massive change to our taxation system. Why does the U.S. have 626 billionaires, while NCHS has none? In simple terms, if our taxes are lower than America’s or China’s, corporations and the wealthy will move here. Imagine the Burger King himself living in Room 218. What a glorious (and profitable) future that would be. 

2. Deregulate vaping

Government overreach is choking the life out of NCHS. Our halls are filled with students getting reprimanded for vaping, when they should be filled with corporate executives seeking deals and business. Time and again in history, it has been proven that bans on narcotics don’t work (just look at prohibition). It’s simply an inefficient use of our resources. But vaping itself is not the crux here, to be honest. It’s about a new philosophy of letting market forces do their work. Not only will our bathrooms be filled with clouds, our stock returns will be through the clouds. 

3. Print more money

Normally, when you hear “inflation,” you think of bad things. Counterpoint: it’s good, actually. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from watching Venezuela, it’s that there’s no such thing as too much inflation. But I want to go one step further. The dollar is not the vibe we need to move this school forward. Instead, I think every citizen deserves a universal basic income of two trillion Redbucks. Every staff member and student can be a trillionaire! Who wouldn’t want that?! To learn more about the wonders of inflation, feel free to read about my Guiding Word for 2021. 

4. Invest in Heavy Industry 

Central’s ability to compete in the global marketplace is lackluster, but its potential is positively cosmic. Beyond this, Naperville Central doesn’t have a single battleship to defend the DuPage River from communists. Taking example from China, I propose a Four-Year Plan to get our industry back on track. The most vital aspect of this plan, of course, is the utilization of Central’s extensive natural resources (notably astroturf and anxiety) to construct brand spankin’ new smelteries. Using the pots and pans from the culinary classes as raw materials, we will become the most powerful steel producer in the Western Hemisphere. Of course, no new industry can operate without a labor class. This is where the freshmen come in. Young, energetic and expendable, it’d be hard to imagine a better labor force than the Class of 2025. By changing PE 1 to Industrial Labor 1, we could more than quintuple our current output.

5. Replace Bill Wiesbrook

At first glance, this may seem extreme, but ponder this for me: when was the last time Naperville Central High School had an election? Wiesbrook’s term deserves reevaluation. Now, Mr. Wiesbrook is a very kind gentleman. I do not want to imply that this is personal to any degree. However, with that purity of heart comes a softness that such a dire situation cannot tolerate. 

The foreign policy of the Wiesbrook principalship has been disastrous. It’s been five years, yet Naperville Central still has not joined the Trans-Pacific Partnership. It is no wonder that our economy is stagnant and our exports are nearly nonexistent. Wiesbrook has rejected globalization, and this, my fellow Centroids, is a prime example of the kinds of blunders that have left the school impotent and dizzied. 

Things aren’t hotter on the domestic front. A source has told me that multiple pieces from our foremost propaganda source, the Central Times, have leaked to enemy states, including Metea Valley. That is unforgivable, and a sign that Wiesbrook is not leading with an iron fist. Now, to give credit where credit is due, Wiesbrook has shown some inklings of the kind of strong leadership we need. His censorship of the Central Times for reporting the truth last school year was admirable. NCHS needs more action like that, but I worry it’s too late to get enough from Wiesbrook. 


Now, some of you might be asking yourself, “are there flaws in this plan?” 

Nope. Thank you for coming to my RED Halk.