Opinion: Undeniable proof Santa is real

Mack Gowan, Staff Writer

When I was in second grade, I was watching the movie “Gremlins” when I heard the most horrifying thing: Santa isn’t real. I am not ashamed to admit that I cried. I was utterly heartbroken over this news. However, I’m older now. I’m more mature. I no longer cry because I know the truth. I know Santa is real.

Now, I didn’t want to simply jump to conclusions. To prove that Santa is truly real I needed hard evidence, which I now have plenty of.

Santa is caught “cookie handed” in the Central Times office. (Mack Gowan)

Let’s start with the basics. According to history.com, Santa Claus (sometimes known as Saint Nicholas or Kris Kringle) was in fact a real person. Born in 280 A.D., St. Nicholas was a monk in what is now modern-day Turkey. St. Nicholas was the subject of many tales where he was said to give away his wealth to help the poor and sick. Granted, that St. Nicholas has since died, so how does he still deliver presents each and every year?

Luckily, I have a theory to answer this, and it’s quite simple. Santa is simply a title passed on through many generations. We all know that nobody can live forever, and we will all slip away from this mortal plane into the great abyss someday, so when Santa becomes too old, he will simply pass the title on to the next qualified person. This also helps to explain how Santa appears in so many malls across the world to ask kids what they want for Christmas. He has many helpers who are preparing to possibly inherit the title.

As all retail workers know, the Christmas crunch is an unforgiving and ruthless time that will drain all energy from your daily life, so how does Santa manage to create and deliver so many presents? Another simple answer, my dear reader. Santa has many (potentially unpaid) jolly elves who help him out.  

Another piece of evidence has been hiding in plain sight this entire time. It was right under my red nose. Santa has a District 203 email.

Also, Santa just happened to stop by the Central Times office to ask everybody what gifts they wanted this year (I asked for some bees). I managed to snap a picture of him by hiding my phone in my pocket. Hopefully Santa doesn’t see this and use his strong, forceful spirit to force me to remove it.

Have a jolly holiday season, and be sure to avoid Santa’s naughty list.