Column: An exciting announcement!

Braden Hajer, Copy Editor

Greetings, DuPagians! I’ve been writing this column for two years, and I think you all know what to expect at this point. After all, I keep my columns pretty juicy: each one is imbued with my blood, sweat, tears and spinal fluid, and everybody knows how each of those taste by now. However, friends, today everything changes, for I have an announcement that will change the direction of this column, and even the Central Times, forever. 

It’s rare that I come with good news. In fact, the last time we had a true heart-to-heart, I had to announce the conclusion to my destined 2040 presidential campaign. Worse yet, I received troubling developments after that piece’s publishing. Jimmy Carter has not even filed to run with the Federal Election Commission. I’ve even heard rumors he’s building houses for the homeless and looking short next to Joe Biden instead of planning national domination. As a result, I’m retracting my endorsement and instead endorsing Dwight D. Eisenhower.

But we’re getting sidetracked, as the announcement today is purely joyous, and for it I’m going to have to get professional. This announcement is unparalleled in its future potential and ability to transform our society. The forward momentum will really move the needle on big issues. Simply put, this will be a game-changing, innovative, next-gen paradigm shift. I believe that with enough collaboration between you and I, dear reader, we can streamline achieving actionable synergy. 

However, what is synergy? Webster defines “synergy” as “a mutually advantageous conjunction or compatibility of distinct business participants or elements (such as resources or efforts).” Those are a lot of big words, so let’s pivot and unpack this. At its core, synergy is really about linkage. Linkage, of course, is simply the holistic interconnection of flexibility. Now that we’re on the same performance-based page and we’ve gotten everybody on board, let’s put a pin in it. 

My announcement has been in the works for a long time, frankly since Blart Paulpitations started, so let me tell you about the process of getting here. By using adaptable machine learning analytics, we can socialize engagement and diversity like never before. This diversity will be scalable, optimized and organic in a way that will empower blockchain-based solutions. These ballpark optics will be a key performance indicator moving forward, and I believe that it will allow us to not only improve quality vector onboarding but create a cold call platform that gives us the space to integrate risk management and succeed. 

I just noticed that not all of our ducks are in a row, so let me give you a heads up. As a thought leader, I recognize that my fruit isn’t always low-hanging. I used the word “diversity” up there, but what is diversity? Well, Webster defines “diversity” as “an instance of being composed of differing elements or qualities: an instance of being diverse.” Simply put, once our diversity’s scalable, optimized and synergetic, it will be a win-win for our core competencies. 

Some of you may have realized that I have yet to address the elephant in the room, that being the writing on the whiteboard, that being the clear strategic gap in the transparency and sustainability of my message. Rest assured, I’m working on some world-class, synergetic, value-added vertical integration right now to address that very issue. I’m recontextualizing my diverse synergy with a solutions-oriented task force to rightsize my ownership, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.

But let’s not waste time. With all of that out of the way, let’s get onto the announcement!


… Damn, hit the word count.