Column: A Solemn Update

Braden Hajer, Copy Editor & Columnist

My fellow Americanss,

In this race, we’ve done something incredible. We’ve outlasted much of the competition and established ourselves as a force to be reckoned with. But recent polling numbers have been discouraging, and our fundraising growth has been suboptimal. 

It is with a heavy heart and light pockets that I announce the end of my 2040 campaign. 

The warning signs started in Iowa. Our current pledged delegate count is matching our polling, but we need a blowout victory to assert ourselves as a dominant force in this race. And with only 20 years remaining, the time to acquire the necessary support is dwindling. 

We’ve had to lay off a lot of staff — over 50%. This includes former president Barack Obama (who insists he “isn’t part of the campaign” and that “I should leave his office immediately before he calls the cops”) and the chief of my mass misinformation campaign, Nicholas Bird.

With all of this stacking up, I spoke to The Council, and we determined that there simply isn’t a sure path to the nomination. The last thing I want to do is take donations from the American people with the knowledge that it will not result in my presidency. I know this will be heartbreaking to many of you, but please, stay strong. This is not the end, but merely the beginning.

To start, I am officially endorsing Jimmy Carter for president. With Iranian relations destined to only decline in the upcoming decades, we need a steady, experienced hand in the White House. In modern presidential history, there is no man with more Iranian diplomatic experience than former president Carter. 

The age of Carter may be concerning to some misinformed Americans, but I assure you, I WILL keep him alive, whether he likes it or not. I am very powerful and will keep his heart beating at all costs. This is not a threat, but a campaign promise and a service to the American people. 

In addition to being Jimmy Carter’s official Heart Man, I am also prepared to fill every position in the federal government at the leisure of Jimmy (a reward I expect for this most gracious endorsement). 

But let’s not get too crazy: it’s not like I’m planning on doing these simultaneously or anything. Instead, I shall sprint very quickly between every seat in the House of Representatives while changing my state of residency at the same time. I will spend my lunch breaks on the Supreme Court dismantling my own laws for being unconstitutional. 

This all may sound unbelievably illegal, but fear not: it’s not an authoritarian dictatorship if every branch of government is filled at a separate time. I am prepared to outrun the law.

With that out of the way, I can finally begin to take my leave from the race. Before I temporarily slip out of the public consciousness, I must provide 129 words of caution to my fellow candidates and the American people at large. 

I fear for the future of this county. Consider this my warning, America: we cannot keep horsing around when it comes to the crippling issues of our time (namely, a lack of horses in households  — horseholds, if you will). 

America’s declining economy can only be fixed by my horse-centered capitalism, without which we will surely lose the reigns on our country. If we do not follow the doctrine and mantra of state-dismantling, I fear that by 2040, Idaho will have begun its fabled duplication process. By then, it will be far too late for the other 49. 

Without a department of steam, our coal-burning ways will remain unchecked, with rising sea levels causing levels of global moistness that not even I will be able to drink in time.

To my supporters who understand all of this, this electoral defeat may feel crippling. However, I’m not just riding off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

In fact, America, you cannot escape me. Your rejection of my big ideas will prove to be your grandest misjudgment since sliced bread. In fact, my form is already expanding beyond your tunnel-visioned comprehension. My grassy, grassy roots are embedding themselves inescapably in America’s veins. Even the strongest axes will not be capable of removing them. 

In conclusion, call me SCP-096, because I’m screeching frantically and sprinting unstoppably towards your location at 60 mph on a divine mission as you read this.