Column: I could beat Bernie Sanders in a fight

Braden Hajer, Copy Editor & Columnist

If I had to, I could easily beat Bernie Sanders in a fight. I hold no animosity for Senator and Democratic presidential candidate Bernard “Bernie” Sanders, but were my hand to be forced, I would demolish him. If Bernie really thinks he could overpower me in a man-to-man tussle, he’s got a whole other thing coming.

Sizing up the combatants here, one party has a distinct advantage. The fact of the matter is Bernie’s old. His mind may be sharp but his form is soft. The man’s out on the campaign trail: there’s no way he has the time to fit in any sort of training routine that he’d need to overcome his natural frailness.

Meanwhile, do I really need to be introduced? I’m young. I’m nimble. I’m powerful. 

Considering this, if we were to meet in some alley with nothing but our wits for some good ol’ fashioned fisticuffs, Bernie would have absolutely no chance. Sure, he could maybe get a blow or two in, but there’s no way he could recover from my overwhelming offense. The encounter would end quickly and decisively. 

However, not all fights are in isolation. Were we to duke it out at the grill section of a Home Depot on Black Friday, I’d lose a little bit of my lead. If we approached each other, the story would end the same as before. However, the sheer quantity of boomers in the area would provide an opportunity for Sanders to cloak himself. In this twisted, maniacal game of hide and seek, Bernie could slip through the cracks and land a stealth strike, thus securing the “W.” This is uncertain, though, as I am known for my quick reflexes and eagle eye. Nonetheless, Bernie’s got a shot here.

Setting and equipment truly are critical. In fact, in a gladiatorial colosseum, I’d argue the match-up evens out. The raw populist energy present in one of those audiences would make Sanders a legitimate threat, and I’m confident his experience and wisdom would come into play in a significant way. I shiver to think what Bernie Sanders could do with a net and trident.

Let’s consider something a little more residential. In the Grocery Store theater of war, I’m screwed. Under these circumstances, Sanders would have easy access to an armored vehicle. With the power of this War Chariot combined with a Challenger Mobility Jumbo Rear Basket XX-Large Size Grocery Shopping Compatible with Large Pride Mobility Scooter at Sanders’ side, I’d be left defenseless and vulnerable. I’d have no choice but to surrender before I walked in the door. 

I know what you’re all thinking, and I agree: it must be addressed. Not every fight is hand-to-hand. In a classic World War Two dogfight, the only “Bern” Sanders would feel would be his fiery engine as he spirals out of the Great Blue Above. I highly doubt the ability of Sanders’ bones to withstand the G-Forces. 

And I’m not alone on this. I recently spoke with the Central Times’  Nicholas Bird.

“The evasive maneuvers one has to make during a dogfight are far beyond the capacity of Sanders’ current form,” Bird said. “Beyond this, I am not convinced that Sanders has the credentials to properly operate an aircraft, and therefore Braden (an expert dogfighter) would likely take him out before he even left the landing strip.”

Another untouched frontier of this theoretical encounter is space, The Final Frontier. Indeed, fighting on the Moon is a whole different ball game. 

“It’d be tough to even get the plane off the ground, let alone engage in aerial combat,” Bird said. “You may even have to fight with your bayonets.”

Speaking of, in the classic Lunar Bayonet Duel, I feel confident in my abilities. Google was too cowardly to reveal the wingspan of  Sanders, but there’s no way he’s got more Arm Meat than me. Plainly put, Sanders would be out-ranged and outmatched by my powerful, juicy arms.

Let me be clear: I do not necessarily want to battle Bernie Sanders in an alley or on the Moon. However, I will not discount the possibility that it will happen in my lifetime, and as a presidential candidate, I am prepared for the “worst.”