A Reality Check for the Hajer 2040 Campaign

Nick Bird, Correspondent

Recently, high school junior Braden Hajer published a column announcing his presidency in the 2040 election. The Hajer 2040 Campaign had so much potential. Real issues, bold solutions, gorgeous prose. This is why it is all the more unfortunate that Big Horse has managed to get its disgusting, dirty hooves digging deep into the bowels of his campaign.

For far too long, Americans have suffered under the titanic saddle of Big Horse. Everyone’s least favorite equine bureaucracy cannot get enough of political meddling. Those on both sides of the political spectrum have complained against corporations and lobbyists meddling in our politics, yet they have all crumpled to Big Horse. Tragically, the Hajer 2040 campaign is no exception. 

Hajer speaks of a transportation revolution, and let’s be honest, we need one. However, any average Brayden can quickly discover that he reeks of the musk of Big Horse. Horse boats in isolation I get, but two horses? A policy like this would force the American public to take their spending on horses to the second power. If Hajer wishes to propose serious transportation reform (as he almost does, considering his brilliant policies regarding steam and roads), he needs to cut back on the horseplay. America doesn’t have time for a candidate who horses around with such malarkey. 

The only thing worse than Hajer’s blatant corruption is his incessant, subtle propaganda in the form of clever wordplay. While I’ll grant that Hajer undeniably has talent, is the American public really going to ride along with puns in a serious political discussion regarding fundamental changes to its future? His ploys to subtly change the minds of the American public by sounding smart and witty do not fool me. Big words and smart orderings don’t make an argument for you.

It is, of course, worth noting that it is clear for any true, green-blooded American patriot that Hajer has a disturbing, borderline-obsessive love for horses. I’ve read the facts and I can tell you that this level of obsession with our equine compatriots is unhealthy and self-destructive. Studies I saw on Reddit and 4Chan show that love of horses is somewhat similar to a vertical asymptote: a little bit is healthy, but once you go too far there’s no turning back from the abyss of Horselove. Hajer’s campaign just screams y=1/x. 

The evidence is everywhere. From initially logically-sounding argument for horse yachts to his weird tangent on Marxist-Leninist Horseonomics, it is clear that Hajer’s mind has been addled to near-senility by the malicious lap of the moist tongue of Big Horse. I’d go so far as to claim that his insanity has almost corrupted the rest of his infallible logic. While Hajer does make overall good points, it is impossible to take them seriously in context.I must ask, what is Hajer to gain from this meddling? Not since the days of Henry Clay have we seen such a corrupt bargain. Regardless, there are a few distinct possibilities. For one, it is possible that Hajer merely cannot see the possibilities other animals have to offer us, as Big Horse has simply spoken the loudest. For example, did you know that pandas can float? It is equally possible that he was promised a horse-yacht in exchange for his advocacy. I can imagine it now: all fur, all yacht, all dirty money, no dignity. Does the American populace really want Hajer patrolling our coasts on his luxury cruise-horses?

I will not allow Big Horse to erode our democratic processes any longer. His power must be contained, and the Hajer 2040 campaign is acting as an exponential function.