Satire: A muddest proposal

Braden Hajer, Copy Editor & Columnist

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America is a land of values. We have been stalwart in upholding our commitments to equality, justice, and the meritocracy since the beginning of relevant history. Above all, however, America has grit. John Smith famously said at the Jamestown colony that “those who do not work, do not eat.” Valuing hard work above all else for all ages has been instrumental to our prosperity. So… what happened?

The children of today are soft and weak. As I look around the Naperville Central cafeteria, I see hundreds upon hundreds of Americans who can only be described as unworthy to eat. I have never seen any of these jelly-people push any boulders or dig any holes.The fact of the matter is that society has been on a downward spiral since 1938. We’ve lost our roots. Our values have become exposed to the storms of spiritual softness and are degrading rapidly. Tragically, children no longer choose to work in factories like the good ol’ days. 

I must acknowledge that merely repealing the Fair Labor Standards Act would not solve our problems. No, my fellow patriots, we must bring our honey to the hives; it is time for enforced manual labor in schools.   

We already force students to take a full year of CTE classes. Considering that digging dirt is exponentially more important than career/technical education, it is only fair that four years of manual labor also be a graduation requirement. 

The fabled “9th period” that sparked a significant amount of hullabaloo last year can finally come to fruition. I concede that there is a glaring flaw in this plan. When the presented incentive is purely that of adequacy to graduate, how can one be certain that the work being performed is back-breaking for EVERY student? In a closed system, you cannot. This is where the Character Coins come in. The more cubic feet of dirt the student digs, the more Character Coins they earn, which they can exchange for extra pencils and other critical items for their education.

What if, when you looked out across the football field, you saw not the cemetery but The Pit? Imagine: hundreds of students meaningfully digging for their future. As students exchange their energy for Character Coins, inner strength, and negative space, those in the classroom can find inspiration and motivation in the sweat droplets of their contemporaries.

To truly fulfill the legacy of John Smith and save the youth from their jellied destiny, we must take action now. I implore you all to make your voices heard to the district and get the word out on social media with #D203LaborRights. The educational void in the souls of this district’s students must be filled with dirt. It’s time to grab our shovels!

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