Central Times

So you want to be an assassin?

Sasha Fenton, Online Managing Editor

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Naperville Central’s Assassins 2017 competition is coming to its end. To be quite frank, I could not give you a play by play record of who killed who or who is even still alive, and for the most part I am certain that most seniors would admit the same. For some, it was a month-long fight to the bitter end. For others, it was a glorious couple of days.

While I, myself, did not participate in Assassins, I heard the stories of ambushes, betrayals, and pure watery violence. I remember a coworker coming in and revealing that a senior was waiting for their target outside. What happened to said victim, I’m not entirely positive, although I like to imagine that they were shot from behind while leaving with arms full of the discount Easter candy I was going to buy.

But these stories have mostly subsided as the majority of players have found themselves killed. For those who lasted this long and only recently found themselves wet there may still exist a need for excitement, an itch for the trigger if you will. They may turn to extreme sports or violent video games, or perhaps they will find themselves in the late hours of the night Googling “how to become a hitman.” I mean, college tuition isn’t getting any cheaper and their current hobbies might not be enough to sustain themselves. Perhaps they should consider a career in contract killing, after all they are pretty handy with a water pistol and good at tracking high school teens (with the things we post on social media and our driving abilities, there is surely a market).

From my obviously vast knowledge of the inner workings of the crime syndicate acquired from Marvel and DC Netflix originals and Wikipedia, I have come to the following requirements to become a hitman: 

A weapon of choice. According to the FBI Uniform Crime Reporting Division, firearms were the top murder eapon choice of 2014 at 68 percent. Knives and cutting instruments made up 13 percent, and other objects made up approximately 7 percent. But firearms are pretty expensive for a high school student and your mother might notice if you take the kitchen knives, so instead go for something more unique like your favorite rock in the backyard or your childhood blanket. Better yet, go the DIY route and teach yourself the valuable craft of weapon making.

A unique name. Hitman names are like drag queen names. In the famous words of Trixie Mattel (my second favorite drag queen), a name must be memorable and describe something about you. So don’t be afraid to label yourself ‘Johnny Targetseed’ after your favorite American folk hero, or ‘Sniper, no Sniping’ as a nod to your favorite ethnic explorer and TV icon who taught you how to find things.

Social media. It is so easy these days to stalk someone online, so make your target work for you by following them on all social media platforms. Load up your phone with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, etc. and get to work creating a network of intel. Programs like Excel are usually good for finances, so why not repurpose it for your murderous bookkeeping needs?

With your fully developed hitman identity and a few high school students under your belt, you may want to open your career to other markets. According to a 1989-2002 study conducted by the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS), 19 percent of contract killings were due to the dissolution of a relationship, 16 percent were for finan-
cial motives, 13 percent to silence witnesses, 10 percent as revenge, and 6 percent were drug related. With such a large audience and a payout of $5,000 to $30,000, you can quickly pay off that college tuition, buy the new iPhone, and even treat yourself to a caramel macchiato.

Killing may be considered a “man’s job” and more men occupy the field than women, but ladies do not despair! There’ve been many historical, badass women to model your practice after. 

Tell me, girls, who didn’t want to be the best warrior the world has seen after their parents read them bedtimes stories about strategist Queen Artemisia I of Caria, tactician Joan of Arc, sniper Lyudmila Pavlichenko, partisan Gertrude Boyarski, and Night Witch pilot Nadezhda Popova? Bonus: women are statistically at a lower risk of being killed as ABS revealed most targets were male, perhaps unsurprising as the Bureau of Justice Statistics found that women are actually two times more likely to hire a hitman than a man and disgruntled relationships are the most common cause for hiring a hitman.

Now not all jobs are without fault. So be warned, just as the deadly possibility of carpal tunnel clouds an office job, being a contract killer is not without its risks. The chance of a contract kill case being solved, accord-
ing to the ABS, is about 50 percent. But remember that teachers will tell you that it is best to take a guess when the options are 50/50. Plus, as a teenager you don’t have to worry about those pesky consequences due to your underdeveloped frontal lobe responsible for understanding consequences. So what are you waiting for? Start your career as a contract killer today.

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So you want to be an assassin?